Of All the Words
by postoffice
Summary: Clare and Eli were once good friends. For some inconceivable reason, that changed - but they didn't. A fic that delves into their childhood friendship and current alienation from each other. AU.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This will be a short fic. About 10 chapters or less, nothing more. The story will lead to where they are now. ****This is an AU fic. Clare will be the one with problems here, not Eli. No, this won't be a: "let's make Clare the victim" type of fic. Clare's parents never divorced. Eli was never bipolar. This fic will center on these two only. Other characters won't be involved. Read and judge at your best interest.**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

Chapter 1

"Any thoughts of guilt, any feelings of regret, had faded."

― Stephen King, _The Gunslinger_

It is extremely cold and snowy.

She's standing with no apparent reason of being there. The sound of cars and people passing by are subtly audible, edging her train of thought and transferring her worries into solitude. But she can't let it all sink in because her mind is elsewhere.

She's 18 and back home for a visit, thinking that her mother and father would be glad to see her. But the thing is - they're not around. It seems like everything is the same as it used to be a year ago.

_"I hate you."_

The look on her mother's face keeps replaying in her mind. Clare never meant it. She never wanted to say it; but she did and she regrets it.

"You did it, Clare." she whispers calmly to herself, looking at everything and everyone with eerie, artificial satisfaction. "You screwed up again."

She stuffs her hands in her pockets and begins to whistle to herself - an attempt to calm herself. She's not crazy. Clare knows this; she's convincing herself that she's not. All she is doing is trying to distract the tears, pain, and confusion. Her throat is tightening and she's reminding herself to not cry.

_Grow up. You're not a baby. Quit your whining - it's your fault for feeling like this._

Eventually she presses her lips together and she shivers out of nervousness.

"What can't you do?" she coldly asks herself, shakily laughing eventually, "I need to stop talking to myself."

The pole light next to her warms her face and she sees a glowing red beneath her eyelids. It's hazy and tiring, hitting her harshly and coloring her pale skin with warm rays that form bleak tones on her outline. The touch of light numbs her.

"Goldsworthy! That snowball hit my face!"

Clare holds her breath because of the familiarity with that name. Her body is feeling warm and she's blushing to herself out of fright. She doesn't want to see him, not when she's like this, not when...

"Alright, alright, I _surrender_,"

It's his voice and Clare's instincts betray her the moment she turns around and sees him.

Oh, God. He still looks the same. He has that stupid, Goldsworthy smirk still plastered on his face. It's the same one she saw when she first met him and last saw him. His hair is cleaner now; it's lacking the greasy-gel appeal, and this makes Clare upset for some strange reason. She remembers picking on him for that, just like he picked on her. _Fuzzball_, she recalls. That's what he called her hair. _Same as a hairball, just less disgusting. _Clare feels her mouth twitching into a smile. The moment would be better if he was alone.

Which he's not.

Eli steps out behind a tree and drops a snowball. He walks towards a girl; she has a large coat on and her hair is tied in a tight bun. Clare feels her heart getting heavier and she wraps her scarf tighter around her mouth.

Clare can't help but give side glances.

The girl haughtily laughs and wraps her arms around him. Eli smirks at her and pecks her lips.

The wind is picking up and strands of Clare's hair are letting loose. Snowflakes fall on her scarf and the cold is stinging her mouth, but she doesn't do anything about it. All she can, and want to, do is stare.

Everything is shock and nothing makes sense.

Eli separates from the girl and looks around. His eyes lock with Clare's. He has memorized her face too well and he can't believe that she's here. _It's a dream_, he thinks. _I'm seeing things_, he thinks. _Not now_, he thinks.

There's sadness in her expression and he shows blank emotion. Typical Eli.

"Hello," she mouths to him.

He smiles at her. Something about his smile feels forced - that doesn't surprise Clare. And for a brief, subtle moment she feels as if they're 12 again. They're good friends who saw each other as anything but what she sees him now.

_"I can't wait until I'm 18."_

_"My dad says that 18 sucks. He says that's the year I was conceived, whatever that means."_

_"Gross!"_

That was them, innocent and weird, oblivious to everything in sight and mind. Then one day it changed.

Clare begins to walk away, wearing her heart on her sleeve. Everything in her body and mind is telling her to keep walking and not look back. She feels that she'll turn into ashes if she does. If she looks back, she'll experience every sentiment she fears.

But she does, and his eyes are still looking at her. They're directed at her soul and she's trying her best to not give anything way. _Maybe_ he tried not to look back too - but for some mysterious, particular reason, he did.

This only makes them human.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews! I wanted to get this done before tomorrow's episode. EClare interaction! There will be some moments that shift from present to past. ****Again, Clare and Eli are different in this and are the same age! ****I'm sorry if this makes you say: _Eli and Clare would never do that._ But, it's AU and I hope I wrote it in a decent way so that it doesn't upset most people.**

**I might delay in the updates...I have tons of schoolwork that requires me out of home.**

* * *

Chapter 2

"I have always had a sense that we are all pretty much alone in life, particularly in adolescence."  
― Robert Cormier

There's no other way around it. She's late and she's in trouble.

It's funny how she thought being 18 would give her more freedom. Right now she feels like a prisoner who escaped from jail. _Oh_ she's going to get it, alright. Her mom and dad are probably waiting for her, or worse, searching for her.

When Clare approaches her house, she sees that the lights are turned off. She doesn't want to wake up her parents and wonders if they..._aha!_ They left a spare key inside the mailbox.

Clare lets herself in and the house is quiet. So, that's it? No yelling or interrogation? Maybe it's worse than she thought. Or maybe they're finally treating her like an adult.

Clare enters her room and takes off her clothes, slipping into her pajamas. Her clock says 11:40. Was she gone for that long? The ride back home only took a couple of minutes...she then begins to wonder what Eli was doing at the park at that hour with a girl.

_Dammit, she was pretty; he seemed really happy too. _

For some implausible yet understandable reason, Clare feels the need to cry; but she has no right to do so. He and she are nothing. Before he saw her just now, she was gone for months. And the truth is, he probably forgot about her existence during that time - _hopefully not_, wishes Clare.

She crawls into her bed and opens her curtain, staring out into the moon. _It looks so fucking plain_, she thinks. _So round and white - a dull existence_. _There's nothing special about it_. And yet, Clare keeps asking herself: Is Eli looking at the moon right now? What is he thinking?

For all she knows, Eli could still be with his girlfriend - saying and _doing_ things. But, that's Eli's life and not hers - she shouldn't care, especially not after all this time and distance.

Clare always knew Eli would have plenty of girlfriends since she met him. He had that reserved attitude and indirect kindness that many girls found irresistible. Clare, on the other hand, tried too hard. She was kind to the wrong people and_ tried_ to never care what others thought about her. But she did care; and _too_ much. Clare, when young, wanted more than anything to be different and stand out from everyone else. Now it's different for Clare; she wants to be normal and fit in. Eli was different too, but it was genuine. He didn't have to try at anything when it came to people. That's probably why they got along so great.

Well, not the first time they met per-say.

* * *

They were both 12 when they officially met. _Before that_, Clare first saw Eli at the beginning of sixth grade. He walked in class with a smirk that was oblivious to everything. It was condescending meets clueless. Gosh, did it puzzle her - that and everything and everyone annoy her. For an 11 year-old, Clare was too serious and determined. Everything puzzled her and she always wanted an answer.

They didn't speak to each other until seventh grade, when Eli accidentally tripped Clare in P.E. hard enough to leave a present scar on her knee.

Clare laughed it off when the teacher came by and asked what happened. Eli stood there confused, thinking she was crazy or perhaps hit her head when she fell. The scrape was overflowing with red; blood was running down her leg, drenching her sneakers.

When Clare's parents came to the nurse's office, they pulled her out of school for a week and began considering of switching her out. That was their seriousness of protection. This overwhelmed Clare and instigated a need to rebel, something that she didn't realize quite yet.

When Clare returned the next week, Eli approached her in P.E.

Clare was reading a book near the bleachers all alone. No one was around and the silence overwhelmed Clare; Eli approaching her was unexpected and something to be cautious about. She didn't know why though.

"How's your knee?" asked Eli, vacant with emotion.

"Okay." said Clare, putting her book down.

"My mom made me write this," sighed Eli indifferently, handing her a letter. "It's an apology letter. You can open it when you uh want to."

Clare nodded, not knowing what to respond. Clearly he was forced to do this, because everything about Eli at the moment screamed:_ I didn't want to do this but I had to and I honestly don't care how your knee is right now._

Some days after, when their class had to choose teams for P.E., Eli chose Clare. This was something he did out of pity and she accepted because, well, no one ever chose her. Clare was pretty clumsy; the only thing she was good at was running and throwing dodge-balls. Despite everything else, with small talk and a share of unusual interests, everything eventually fell into place between the two. The way it was supposed to.

Eli didn't have many friends and Clare was recent to public school, having gone to a Christian elementary school before. Everything was the same, yet people were never her forte.

Hanging out in P.E. turned into frequently going over each other's houses - mostly Eli's because Clare's parents found it strange that their daughter was friends with a boy. Yet, they were too busy with their self-centered fights to ever care what she did; just as long as it wasn't at home.

Seventh grade year soon came to an end and the summer was awesome. Eli and Clare went bike riding, visited the community pool, and attempted to fry eggs on sidewalks for fun when the heat was unbearable.

Once eighth grade year came, Eli began to confide in Clare which girls he thought were "cute." A girl named Julia was one of them. Eli eventually asked her to go to the movies with him and whatever happened between them was too awkward to ever go out again. Eli never told Clare what happened; he blushed every time she asked. So, of course Clare told Eli who she liked. But thing was - when Clare liked someone, she fell hard. One crush meant the world.

"I think I'm in love with him," said Clare.

They were in Eli's backyard and his parents weren't home. Clare wanted to see his new dog and Eli was fine with that. But sometime after, the dog fell asleep and Eli and Clare began to talk about school and people - specifically Liam Berish.

"Do you even have an idea what love is?" snorted Eli, surprisingly annoyed by this.

"I think it means that you would do anything for them because you care about them so much...like taking a bullet for the person or dying for him or her."

"You'd take a bullet for Liam?"

"Yeah, but I wouldn't take one for you."

_Ouch. That stung._

"Wow. You're being a stupid bitch," muttered Eli angrily, hoping she didn't hear him but also having the intention to make her aware of how he felt.

But Clare did hear and she felt very offended.

"Oh yeah, well...forget you!"

Eli then pushed Clare away from him and she tackled him unexpectedly. Her arms were flailing while her hands slapped random parts of his body. As if that weren't enough, she began kicking his shin.

"Shit, Clare! These are new pants!" Eli panted out.

"Don't call me that! If you ever call me _that_ one more time, I'm not talking to you ever again!" screamed Clare, sadness and fury in her expression.

They were inches away from each other. Eli's bare arms were filled with scratches and Clare's face was red. He stared at her, trying to figure out if she was serious or not. Then he saw her eyes watering.

A tear fell; then two; choked sobs followed.

Eli knew he said something that wasn't only wrong, but something _personal_. He didn't know what this meant, but he felt guilty and didn't know what to do or what to say. This had to be one of the most tense moments in his life so far.

"But, you're my best friend," replied Eli, concern in his expression.

"Really?" Clare breathed out, clearing her throat.

"Yeah," said Eli hoarsely, grabbing her arm softly and gently pulling her down to sit with him.

They eventually laid down on the grass, which felt for a while, staring up at the sky and the clouds. Then sun began to set shortly after - forming hues of magenta and orange. The only sound audible was their breathing and Clare's soft whimpers. Clare didn't stop crying and Eli _still_ didn't know what to say, or do, to make it stop. Whenever he cried, he hated it when people stared and tried to make him feel better. Crying is normal, humane; there's no need to get rid of it. The only thing people should worry about is the reason why a person is crying. And Eli wasn't sure if Clare was ready to tell him that reason. Whatever it was, he hated it.

When his arm began to cramp, Eli stretched it out further. He was surprised when his hand brushed against Clare's. When Clare didn't move her hand, Eli didn't either, and their fingers bumped over each other. Finally, their fingers set - when they had intertwined.

"I didn't mean what I said." Eli said, breaking the silence. Clare didn't say anything and Eli turned towards her, "I promise I'll never call you anything like that ever again."

It took a while for Clare to respond. But when she did, all she said was, "I'll buy you new pants one day, I swear."

"Forget it. I hate these ones anyways."

"I'm sorry for overreacting," said Clare, wiping her tears off her face with a free hand. "My dad calls my mom that all the time."

And again, Eli didn't know what to reply. His pulse quickened with fear of saying the wrong thing, so he tried to put himself in her place - and the thing is, Eli wouldn't want to talk about it.

"I heard that Hannah and Wesley are going out." sputtered Eli unexpectedly.

"What?" laughed Clare, relieved that he changed the subject. "Christ, Wesley has more game than me."

"_And_ apparently, she's cheating on him with Liam." said Eli, his voice quiet at the end.

"Oh..." replied Clare, sadness in her tone. "Poor Wes. I regret what I said about taking a bullet for Liam. "

"You didn't know," said Eli warmly. "His taste in music sucks, he's such a poser."

"Well, Julia's kind of the same," retorted Clare blankly, squeezing his hand.

"Oh God, don't mention her...I swear," rambled Eli, stopping in his words.

"When are you going to tell me what happened?"

"No matter how much I trust you, I can't tell you. All I can say is that Julia's hormones are too much for me," said Eli shortly, confusion in his tone. "All this shit happens and we're only 13. This can't be normal."

Clare chuckled and sat up, separating her hand from Eli's. She folded her arms over her legs and looked down at him, meeting his eyes with comfort.

"I can't wait until I'm 18. I get to leave this place."

"You say that all the time," whined Eli, pulling her back down. "I'm telling you, this is a good age for us - well, other than what we just talked about."

"Not for me," sighed Clare.

Eli closed his eyes, trying to ignore everything and remain blank. Clare left her eyes open, thinking and wondering. They both viewed the world differently which, in retrospect, didn't matter for now.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Sorry for the delay. I'm out of school and this means more writing time! After this chapter, things will take a serious turn...**

**P.S. EClare frostival kiss! And S12 promo! Ah!**

* * *

"Half of what I say is meaningless, but I say it just to reach you."

― The Beatles, "Julia"

It's as if nothing's changed.

Clare sits in her seat, blankly staring at the food in front of her. Her appetite is gone and she is overwhelmed by her parents' bickering. It doesn't get easier and she still asks herself why they can't get a divorce and end each other's misery. But she knows the answer - their personal hell is maintained by a faith they contradict meanwhile.

"All I'm saying is that we can't be spending money like water. With Clare's tuition, it's been hard enough; you don't understand,"

"Oh, for heaven's sake - don't you dare use that excuse, I know you've been spending money behind my back."

"Now's not the time for this conversation," mutters her father, his eyes directing at Clare.

"Oh me?" asks Clare sardonically, "As if I haven't heard it all before."

"Stay out of this," snaps her mother furiously at her.

Clare pushes her plate away from her and stands up. She looks at both her mother and father with impatience and anger; she can't handle this anymore and a part of her realizes that this isn't a home; it never was. Her knees are buckling with fear of what she plans to say, but she decides to hold in most of it in. It's not as if she hasn't done so before.

"And you wonder why I say such 'spiteful' things to you?" retorts Clare quickly, still hurt by her parents' attitude towards her. "I'm going out."

"Good!" screams her mother harshly, turning back to her father. "You and I need to talk."

Clare walks away; her parents' voices are getting louder even though she walks farther away from them, distancing herself from all of the sadness and bitterness, nearing to her tears. This isn't right. She doesn't know what is but she's trying to figure out the meaning of everything. Like other times, she hums to herself and she clears her throat every while to prevent herself from crying. She gets inside her car and begins to think of which day she should return back to college - too bad she's on vacation.

She drives around town, passing by familiar places and recalling such simple and complicated memories. It's scary that although everything bad in her life remained the same, all that was good has changed.

Eventually she comes into view with a dark house. It's making her feel nervous and safe; it's been more than a year since she had last been there and the memories are much clearer in mind than in reality.

Clare inhales deeply and wonders if such old tactics will awaken current remembrance.

"Please remember," she whispers, clutching her hands on the steering wheel.

She honks two times, and the last honk is long and obnoxious. Everything inside her is hoping that he'll hear and recall what this means. Clare is waiting for him to walk out the door, but a minute passes and nothing happens. Again, she does the same.

This time, he steps out.

He squints in confusion, from faraway, soon walking closer to the car and staring at her. His expression is completely unreadable and Clare doesn't know if he's annoyed or fine with her presence.

"You?" says Eli confusedly, raising his eyebrows.

She steps out of her car and half-sadly, half-happily smiles at him with tears welling in her eyes.

"You remembered,"

* * *

When Clare and Eli entered ninth grade, a lot of things changed.

During the summer, several personal discomforts, adjustments, and embarrassments of puberty had occurred. Suddenly, Eli seemed much more interested in girls and Clare found guys to be less attainable. In short, school and life at the moment were extremely awkward for the both of them. Yet, that didn't stop them from being around each other all the time.

They were in his bedroom. Eli was on his computer listening to music while Clare sat on the floor trying to study.

"Can you turn it down?" asked Clare sharply, irritated by this.

"It's my room," replied Eli indifferently. "Do your homework later."

He threw a pillow at her and Clare grabbed it, squeezing it with her arms once she caught it. She seemed worried and stressed - something that Eli had grown used to since the beginning of the school year.

"I need an A in this class, my dad will kill me if I don't get it," sighed Clare.

"So you expect me to turn off Dead Hand just for _a _grade?" asked Eli shockingly, putting his hand over his heart.

"I can leave then. I mean it - I have to study," said Clare pragmatically, closing her books.

"No, don't do that. I'll help you; history is easy," said Eli, turning off his computer and crouching down beside her. "So, what's the problem?"

"Everything," sighed Clare nervously, resting her head on Eli's shoulder. "I don't give damn about Perino's class anymore. He hates me. I bet if I wore shorts and a tube top to class, I'd have an A."

"And it can't be simply because you don't get the material? If not, that probably explains why I'm his best student. Skinny jeans make my butt look big - or so I've heard," grinned Eli playfully, trying to make a point.

Clare laughed and held Eli's hand, squeezing it with content.

This was nice. They didn't have to talk about anything because every silence, gesture, and breath felt comfortable - something that they didn't realize shouldn't be taken for granted.

"How's your love life by the way? You've been ditching me the past two Saturdays for a girl. She better be worth it."

"She actually wanted to end things. She says she doesn't believe in relationships," said Eli calmly, something in his voice demonstrated sadness. "You? I overheard Sadie and Jenna talking about you in math, they said you have a crush on this guy who hangs out with Johnny DiMarco...Roger, Reese - I forgot."

"Reese? I've never spoken to him before," said Clare defensively, wrinkling her nose in disgust. "Sadie has a big mouth."

"I know. I've heard from Dave," laughed Eli.

"Ew!" gasped Clare, slapping his arm.

"You're so easy to bother," grinned Eli, poking her cheek.

"Yeah, well," paused Clare, pinching Eli's cheek in return.

Eli tickled Clare and she couldn't breathe. She gasped for air, shouting his name with content every few seconds. Eli didn't stop until she pulled his arm away from her. He paused and pulled away from her, noticing her flushed cheeks and shining eyes; they never looked bluer before.

In that moment, something strange happened, Eli wanted to tickle Clare more because of the proximity; he enjoyed it.

"What? Do I have something on my face?" asked Clare dumbly, touching her cheek.

He continued to stare in wonder, asking himself why he was feeling this way. It was then that Eli convinced himself that it was nothing more than mere, practical curiosity. He was momentarily aching to know if what he wanted to do seemed worth it - if it would feel good. And because Eli wanted to know, he wanted that answer more than anything at the moment.

"You've never kissed anyone, have you, Clare?"

"I tell you everything so of course I haven't," she huffed.

Eli stood up from the ground, his shirt disheveled. He lent a hand to Clare, pulling her up. Her curls were standing in different direction. Their hearts were beating normally, but their eyes kept wandering in the same direction - meeting and revealing.

It became extremely quiet and Eli placed his hands on Clare's face. He didn't know where this was going but he also didn't care and Clare didn't seem to either because her expression remained the same.

"Will you let me kiss you?" asked Eli blankly, not taking much into consideration because he didn't like Clare - he_ simply_ wanted their lips to touch.

"Um," said Clare abstractedly, a word she could only utter because of the shortsightedness.

"Say no if you don't want to," said Eli quickly, concerned he went too far. "This wouldn't change anything. I just want to be the first guy who kisses you because you're my best friend...I'm not sure if that makes sense."

"Only because I'm your best friend?"

"Well, yeah." said Eli hoarsely.

This had to be one of the weirdest moments in Clare's life. One moment Eli and her were like siblings; the next, it seemed as if they weren't. It was confusing. But something inside her kept reminding her that maybe she was jumping to conclusions. Nothing was certain; everything was free to change, become, and define what the purpose of anything was.

"How many girls have you kissed?" asked Clare. "You never really tell me."

"Not a whole lot," shrugs Eli, grabbing her hand. "Why?"

"If I'm going to kiss you I want to know whose lips have been on yours,"

"Are you sure?" asked Eli, stepping closer to her.

Clare nodded and pulled him down on the floor with her to sit down. She couldn't look at him in the eyes because she was afraid that if she would, she'd laugh and then everything would become awkward.

Maybe it was the time, the setting, the weather, but the both of them didn't understand why everything felt so alien to them. In an instant, they became strangers and it confused them. Perhaps it's a bad idea, they both thought. Perhaps not, they both decided.

Clare was the first to lean forward and Eli almost laughed at the contact because of the sensation and the surprise. She slammed her lips into his and they bumped noses. It was careless at first, but eventually, Eli pulled away momentarily to say, "Here, I'll show you."

It was then that Clare felt the warmness of Eli's mouth. Her toes were tingling and when she momentarily opened her eyes, everything was blurry. It was a little bit scary for Eli because he thought he had an idea of what he was getting into but that didn't seem to be the case any longer. The kiss was slow and powerful in a sense that both of them forgot about everything and everyone. Clare forgot what her name was and Eli's mind was ajar. This was a whirlwind of emotions they didn't take into consideration to label it as an important moment.

Clare removed her mouth from him with gentle clumsiness, afraid she was still doing it wrong.

"Did you hate it?" she asked, stepping away.

"No," replied Eli softly, squinting his eyes with hesitation. "You?"

"No," said Clare, trying not to smile at him. "So what now?"

"We're still friends," said Eli cautiously, turning his back to her and going back to sit on his bed. "We can pretend like this never happened."

And Clare didn't want to but she agreed.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews! Please review if you like! Story alerts and adding this to your favorites is wonderful, but I love hearing what you guys think!**

* * *

Chapter 4

"You can cut all the flowers but you cannot keep spring from coming."

― Pablo Neruda

"Aren't you going to say anything?"

So maybe this isn't going the way she thought it would; maybe he hates her.

But she wants to hear his voice. She wants to hear words from him directed at her, in any context and meaning. Yet his lips remained pursed and his eyes are scowling at her, his emotions are flexing from angry to confused, curious to inviting. Clare's stomach is doing back flips.

"What do you want me to say?"

"Hello?"

"Hello," he says, but it seems like he doesn't want to put any effort into anything involving her.

"Can we talk?"

"I don't think that's a good idea. I have a girlfriend-"

"Stop," she whispers sharply. "I respect that, what kind of girl do you think I am?"

"I'm not sure," he says almost soundlessly.

Something about this hurts her. She feels something inside her break; it's as if without warning her heart shattered on the ground. Clare still has tears leftover from the car ride and they're threatening to come back again. But she swallows her emotions and Eli notices her struggling.

"Come inside," he motions to his front door.

* * *

She wasn't expecting this initial reaction. He was at his locker, but not alone. Clare didn't recognize the girl but she felt a bit of anger directed at Eli. She wanted to punch him in the stomach, kick him - hurt him in any way because she was upset.

"Imogen, be patient," chuckled Eli as he grabbed her hand and tenderly held it.

Clare cleared her throat, remaining stiff and controlled. _Is this the same Imogen Eli complained about?_

"Is this _the_ Clare Edwards?" asked the girl next to Eli and held out her hand.

"That's me," muttered Clare, fixating her eyes on Eli.

"Eli has told me so much about you!" squealed Imogen nicely. She had a smile of pure joy and kindness. It made it even harder to dislike her.

"He never mentioned you," blurted Clare, regretting that she had sad something so off-hand to Imogen.

"Yeah about that - we just got together! Saturday night...I haven't seen you since Friday," explained Eli, wrapping an arm around Imogen.

Clare remembered asking Eli if he wanted to watch a movie with her but he declined, saying he had stuff to do. She then knew why and it bothered her more than it should have.

"Isn't she pretty, Clare?" asked Eli, kissing Imogen's cheek.

Imogen was smiling at Clare and it genuinely seemed that she was friendly, not like the other girls Eli had dated in the past. Imogen was much more likeable than Julia.

"She is...you guys are so cute together," whispered Clare, stepping away. "I guess I won't see you at lunch today, Eli. Bye, Imogen."

"Bye, Clare!" replied Imogen vibrantly. "It was great meeting you!"

Clare nodded as a reply and walked away, holding her emotions with fragile strength. Everything was making her feel uncomfortable and angry. She hated feeling this way, and she hated looking at Eli with so much resentment. It wasn't fair. He was the one who asked to kiss her, not the other way around. But maybe he really only wanted to kiss her because they were best friends; maybe he never saw her as anything other than a friend. This killed her.

She didn't want to be at school anymore - which is why she ditched her next classes and left to her house.

The walk home was thinking about Eli and Imogen, everything would change. Things seemed official and Clare would miss spending time with Eli. No more walking together to class, hanging out at his house, doing homework together, and watching movies on the weekends. She felt like crying right then and there.

Once she arrived, her mother was at home and not too happy.

"What are you doing here? School doesn't end until three."

This didn't look good.

"I didn't feel too good. My stomach hurts and I couldn't focus in class-"

Her mother walked closer to her, reserving her judgment and studying her. Clare felt her body tense and looked down at the ground. She stopped breathing for some seconds. It was then that her mother slapped her.

It stung at first but afterwards she didn't feel anything. Every cell in her cheek was rapidly vibrating, leaving numbness. All she worried about was if that would leave a bruise – how would she cover it up? It wasn't the first time.

"You're lying to me," said her mother calmly, as if slapping Clare was nothing. "You go back to school now. Come on, I'll drop you off."

"I don't want to go," replied Clare, placing her hand over her cheek.

"Please don't talk back to me. You're going and that's final," she said, grabbing Clare by the arm.

When Clare returned with a note, she had to go to her third period. It was in the middle of class and Eli was there, she was scared of what he would say to her when he would see her. She didn't feel like answering any questions or being near him. After all, she tried to leave school in the first place for those reasons.

When she knocked on the door, a student answered and the class was pitch black. They were all watching Romeo and Juliet. Clare walked over to the teacher to hand her a note and tried her best to remain discreet, but everyone in the class was looking at her.

Once she took her seat, Eli turned to her and stared at her with curiosity.

"Where were you?" he whispered.

"I tried to go home." She replied, bowing her head down.

He went back to watching the move and when it was over, the lights turned on. Eli turned around to talk to her once more, but he paused in his words.

"What happened?" he asked, pointing at her cheek.

"It's nothing." She shrugged and gathered her books. "It's my fault - my mom got mad at me."

"It's really red, Clare," he said concerned, getting closer to her. "She shouldn't have hit you just for ditching."

"Everybody has different parents, Eli. Your parents don't care but mine do and they try their best to make sure I don't screw up."

"My parents do care, okay? And just because I get to do what I want, it doesn't mean I don't know that hitting you isn't alright," said Eli crossly.

"It was a slap; it's not that bad. You're overreacting," sighed Clare, getting up to walk away. "Just leave me alone and go...go kiss Imogen."

The bell rang and Clare walked out of class but Eli was catching up to her, yelling her name to stop.

"What was that about?" he asked once he grabbed a hold of her, pulling her near some isolated lockers.

"Nothing," said Clare, letting go of his grip. "You should get to class."

"I don't care. Why are you mad at me? What did I do?"

"Just let it go," muttered Clare sternly.

"We can end this if you just tell me what the hell is going on."

Clare looked up at Eli. The left side of her face was a rosy hue that seemed like a blush but was actually a stinging bruise beginning to hurt at such an inconvenient moment. Eli seemed angry, impatient, confused. Clare paralleled his emotions with much more intensity and resentment.

"You lied to me on Saturday, you said you had to help your mom with chores."

"Are you seriously angry at me for having ditched you on Saturday?" asked Eli incredulously.

"Of course I'm mad; you ditched me for some girl you thought was annoying two weeks ago? Imogen Moreno, are you kidding me?"

Eli scoffed and stepped closer to her, saying in a low voice, "You can't be serious. You're my best friend but I have another life that doesn't revolve around you. Imogen is now as important to me as you so get used to it. I knew I couldn't tell you that I was going out on a date because you get so fucking clingy,"

"Clingy? How am I clingy?" asked Clare sharply.

"You're always calling me, texting me, coming over my house every day. You have your own home; it's as if you practically live with me. Excuse me for wanting to have some time away from you,"

"This is a home?" said Clare, pointing at the bruise on her cheek.

Eli remained quiet, trying to let it all sink in. He didn't mean what he said; he doesn't know why he said it. Clare looked as if she was going to cry and Eli was used to this; but for the first time, he saw her trying to hold it in. It was as if her pride was the only thing she was depending on.

_Don't let him see you cry again_, Clare thought to herself.

The tardy bell rang. And Clare looked at Eli briefly, concealing her emotions, and walked away. Eli didn't chase after her; it wasn't what he felt like doing.

But it wasn't Eli lying to Clare that upset her; it was the reason why. Her lips still tasted Eli's; and because of that, it was why she wanted to be near him more frequently. It was everything about him that fascinated Clare. She doesn't know when it was that she began to feel this way – maybe it was all along. Yet the feelings weren't reciprocated.

And walking away from him, hiding all her adoration for him was fucking hard.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Shout-out to the reviewer who said this sucks! But a HUGE shout-out to everyone else who is so awesome and cool for reading this! **

* * *

Chapter 5

"You gave it all but I want more,  
And I'm waiting for you"

― U2, "With or Without You"

This doesn't feel like old times.

They're both quiet. Clare is sitting on his bed and Eli is standing. This silence is uncomfortable, annoying. Clare has so much to say but she doesn't know how she should start.

"What's wrong?" asks Eli, and there's genuine concern in his voice.

"I'm back at home," replies Clare, laughing a bit at the end. "You were right, you know?"

Eli quirks an eyebrow and says, "About?"

"13 was a good age for us. 18 sucks…_so much_," she closes her eyes, emphasizing her emotions at the end.

He looks at her and Clare, like always, can't tell what he's thinking.

"Why are you here?" he finally asks.

"I'm trying to figure that out," breathes Clare shakily. "I don't know why every time life sucks, I have to come to you, I-"

"Cut the crap, Clare."

"What crap? It's the truth."

"Bullshit! You have a reason being here and it better not be what I'm thinking because if it is, then I really can't ever be around you."

"And what reason do you think that is?" asks Clare sharply.

"I'm not in love with you," Eli replies in a terse voice, looking at Clare.

She wants to run away and never see him again. Her heart is aching at his coldness; but for once, Clare is able to read Eli's expression – decipher what he's thinking. And Clare realizes it, quickly desiring an explanation.

"Why are you lying to me?"

* * *

He kept on staring at her and Clare just wanted it to stop. She didn't like not talking to Eli, she was lonelier than before and it made her miserable. It took some sleepless nights to think about it, but she'd rather have Eli as _just_ a friend in her life rather than nothing at all. Because without him, she felt like she was close to nothing and although she knew it was pathetic of her to depend on someone so much, she also realized that he made her feel alive.

And so it was Clare who swallowed her pride and approached Eli after class and it was Eli who said the first word.

"I'm sorry for being a jerk,"

Everyone left the classroom and the door closed itself. They could only hear the muffled steps and voices outside the classroom and here they were, smiling with few words to say because they didn't know what to talk about.

"Me too. I'm sorry for being clingy," replied Clare meaningfully.

"I didn't mean what I said, you made me so mad and I wanted you to feel bad - I screwed up."

"It's okay, I mean, I'll make new friends if I have to. I met this guy named Jake in chemistry and-"

"That's great, Clare! Jake seems like a cool guy, he was in drama with Imogen and me," interrupted Eli happily, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Yeah, I know...hey, do you want to hang out this weekend? The theater is showing this French film, it's supposedly really depressing," offered Clare hopefully. "We can cry our eyes out,"

"Oh yeah, I've heard. Imogen and I are going to see it on a date," said Eli, quickly noticing Clare's disappointment. "Hey, why don't you ask Jake? We can double-date. Imogen wouldn't mind at all."

"Yeah, as if he's going to want to go on a date with me," scoffed Clare.

"Why not? You're really pretty, nice, smart, kind of _lame_..." drawled Eli tenderly.

Her face began to heat up and she was afraid that Eli would notice that she was turning red. She knew that every word he said had her under a spell and she hated him for it. If Eli were to ask her to jump off a bridge, Clare wasn't entirely sure if she would deny. With Eli, she lacked a backbone.

"I'll ask then," replied Clare quickly, stepping away to leave. "I'll text you."

.

When Jake actually accepted and revealed that he was going to ask her out soon either way, Clare was surprised. When Clare told this to Eli, he was happy for her. And when Saturday night came, everything seemed to be going according to what Eli thought it would be.

But it didn't.

"This movie is kind of boring, Clare." Jake said loudly.

Eli turned to him and glared. Imogen didn't say a word.

"It's almost over," sighed Clare quietly.

They both turned to watching the rest of the film and by the time it was finished, Clare had tears in her eyes. Imogen was crying as well and Eli hugged her. Clare couldn't stop looking at them, and a part of her wished that she was in Imogen's place.

Jake grabbed a tissue from his pocket and gave it to Clare.

"I brought them because I think I'm getting sick, but you need them more than me," he smiled warmly, standing up. "Sorry for earlier, I just can't sit in one place the entire time."

"It's okay," replied Clare meaningfully.

Jake wrapped an arm around Clare and hugged her tightly, kissing her cheek afterwards.

"I'm glad we're here."

Eli saw Jake grabbing and holding Clare. He saw the way he looked at her. He never saw anyone look at Clare with such desire and care. And although he tried his best to deny it, it bothered him.

"So!" said Eli abruptly, breaking the two apart from the embrace. "What's next?"

"Well, if you guys don't mind, I was thinking that we split our ways from here," said Jake, grabbing Clare's hand. "I want to take my date to somewhere special - since it's the first and all."

"I don't see a problem," muttered Eli.

"Thanks, man."

.

He was driving home and passed by Clare's street. A block away, Eli saw a car that looked like Jake's. He saw that the windows were rolled up and he could hear music. Eli drove up next to it and tried to look inside but he couldn't see anything. He stepped out of his car for a moment and saw Jake's back. He saw that he was hugging someone and then he saw curls.

Eli lost it. They were fiercely kissing and he couldn't bear the sight. This was the same person he grew up with, who he knew hated to talk about sex and here she was – disheveled and messy, letting a guy, on the first date, grope her.

He pounded on the car window and Jake gave a confused look, rolling down his windows.

"Eli, what the hell-"

"Clare, get out of the car," ordered Eli sternly.

Clare didn't question because she noticed the evident anger in his voice and she was afraid of what was wrong. Everything was muted and she didn't know which direction to look at – left or right.

"I'm sorry, Jake," whispered Clare apologetically, opening the door.

"No, you don't have to go if you don't want to," said Jake defensively, facing Clare. "Eli shouldn't be telling you what to do."

"Shut up," replied Eli angrily, pointing at Clare. "Let's go, you're coming with me."

"Hey, don't talk to her like that," replied Jake, stepping out of his car. "She can do whatever she wants so stop treating her like a child."

"You're treating her with no respect; she's only 16 for fuck's sake."

"Yeah and you fuck your girlfriend at the same age," said Jake.

Eli pushed Jake away from him and Jake grabbed Eli by the collar. They paused in their movements and stared at each other intensely, each signaling that they had little patience left.

"Stop it," yelled Clare, grabbing Eli away from Jake.

Jake stared at Clare, confused and shocked. Clare motioned Eli to step aside and walked over to Jake, who was already getting inside his car.

"I'm sorry Jake, but I have to go with him."

Embarrassment was destroying her. She didn't know why she was letting Jake go but it felt right; being with him wasn't meant to be. It wasn't the time to be thinking of what was right and wrong but she attempted to view things with logic. But at that moment, Clare wasn't sure if she trusting her instincts was the best choice.

"You know, I really like you," said Jake disappointedly, starting the engine. "But I'm not going to deal with this drama – it's not worth it."

He drove off and Clare stood still, cold and appalled.

She turned to Eli, who was stepping closer to her, "Where did that come from? How could you – you had no right!"

"You guys were seconds away from having sex!"

"And what if we were?" said Clare wretchedly, pushing Eli away from her. "No one loves me and he-"

"He'll what? He'll have sex with you, call it a night and tell his friends," replied Eli, frustration in his expression. "This isn't you. I know that deep down you didn't want your first date to end like this,"

She didn't have much time to figure out what everything meant. Her lips were trembling because she wanted to tell him that when she kissed Jake, she saw his face and heard his voice. But she was afraid that she was crazy for doing so. Nothing seemed possible to ease her.

"You're right," sighed Clare sadly, rubbing her temple. "I wanted it to end with someone else."

"Like who?"

"It doesn't matter. Nothing matters," she sighed, turning her back to him.

The night was sublime. The tension, feelings, and atmosphere were different. Since when did she and Eli fight? This wasn't them and it didn't feel right. Everything was so confusing and frustrating, she wanted to punch something because she couldn't understand why things were the way they were.

Eli took a deep breath and walked over to her to face her. He grabbed her hand and held it. Looking into her eyes, it was then that without warning and caution, he softly said, "I love you."

And then everything around her seemed to be absorbed into the earth below. She couldn't see anything but Eli and his eyes, piercing at her heart. This couldn't be true because it was what she wanted to hear and everything finally seemed perfect. Clare didn't believe she was worthy of such a moment.

But he continued to speak.

"You're like my sister and I care about you so much. I don't want to see you get hurt."

And in an instant, everything rose from the ground and stayed put where it was. She couldn't look at Eli's eyes. All she was now staring at was the ground because she hoped that the earth would swallow her alive, and keep her trapped away from the inevitable truth; because that was the only type of love she could expect from him.

"I love you too, Eli," whispered Clare sadly, hugging him tightly.

"Let's forget the fact that I was an over-protective jerk and I'll take you home, okay?" replied Eli warmly, pulling away from her.

That night Clare went to sleep with more pain in her heart and comfort in mind, realizing that this was fine and expected. Things were meant to be this way and questioning it would corrode her with misery and vulnerability.

Life was beginning to be filled with only bittersweet moments.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Sorry I wasn't able to update for a while, I was gone. Thank you for the reviews. I wrote this while listening to _How to Say Goodbye_ by Paul Tienrant. Take a listen.**

**Not sure when I will update but your reviews guilt me to hurry up in the best way possible.**

* * *

Chapter 6

"He loved to say goodbye and always counted out the time until he was free, to get up and leave"

― Paul Tiernan, "How to Say Goodbye"

Eli is pointing to his door. There's a look of fear and distress on his face. Everything suddenly seems clear and Clare is holding her breath with determination.

"Get out," Eli says halfheartedly.

Clare walks up to him and looks at him in the eyes, saying in a low whisper, "I miss my best friend."

"You're screwing things up for me," Eli raises his voice. "Leave me alone."

Clare reaches for his hand but Eli pulls it away. She sighs in defeat and decides that there's no point in trying to fix things. Everything seems final and her heart feels heavier.

"I was thinking of getting my own place out of state with this part-time job I have - I came back home to see if it was worth staying and after seeing my parents, I've decided it's not," says Clare suddenly, stepping away from Eli.

He stays silent, staring at the wall behind her and doesn't seem to care.

"I guess this will be goodbye...I tried, okay?" blurts Clare exasperatedly. "I wanted to go back to the way things were, but you don't want to and I get it. You hate me and I accept that. I'm sorry for everything."

Clare begins to walk away and this time she's making sure that she won't look back because everything hurts. She's embarassed and ashamed of herself for ever thinking that they could be friends again.

"I don't hate you," says Eli, walking over to her and closing his door.

Her knees are trembling and she just wants to kiss him out of impulse but she reminds herself that she shouldn't feel this way. He doesn't want her.

"Then why are you like this?"

"I don't know,"

Clare pulls him beside her and they sit on his bed. They stare at each other and Clare begins to blush because she realizes that the last time they both were here, sitting and staring, they were completely bare, emotionally and physically.

"Do you regret it?" Clare asks wondrously.

"No," Eli says meaningfully. "I regret the moment it happened. I hurt someone."

"But Imogen wasn't the only one who got hurt,"

Eli doesn't understand what all this means. Clare is frowning, thinking about the past and how she screwed it all up.

"You knew I loved her though," Eli says, clearing his throat. "Imogen was everything to me."

"I did know you loved her more than anything, that's very true," Clare replies pragmatically. "But can you at least clarify to me what I meant to you? I need the truth. I need to move on."

"Clare, I don't know what I feel about you now and it's the most confusing thing."

"So you never loved me?"

"Not _that_ way,"

"Then look me in the eyes and tell me that, stop running away," Clare says angrily.

"I'm not running away and I don't have to look into your eyes to prove what I feel," Eli snorts. "It's bullshit."

"So if I were to leave, would you care? You went two years without me, I think a couple more wouldn't matter," Clare says.

He takes a deep breath and Clare is making the distance between them even bigger. Her legs are ready to stand up and leave but then the look on Eli's face stops her.

"I was miserable for two years," Eli admits.

The walls are coming up again. They're quiet and they want to continue talking to each other but they don't know where to start. It's awkward. They hate the moment, not their contact.

"What's her name? Your girlfriend," asks Clare, showing genuine interest.

"I lied," Eli says. "She's not my girlfriend...she's a friend."

"Friends? Like us?"

"No. Nobody else could replace what we had,"

And these are the types of things Eli says that anger Clare but also confuse her.

"Stop doing that," sighs Clare sadly, looking at Eli's confused expression. "It's because of_ that_ that I was in love with you. You always say these things that confuse me. So don't say nobody could replace what we had because if we're just friends, then any girl can walk into your life and have the potential to make you happy and loved. Don't compare me to that possibility."

"I'm not doing it intentionally. You're over thinking things, like always," replies Eli tensely.

"You're right. But that's who I am. I'm a fucked up mess for everyone - and don't deny it. I'm sick of the pity. I always make things worse for everyone...because I expect a lot but you know what?" says Clare confidently. "I'm done with these high hopes for every person I meet. I learned that you only matter to people when you benefit them. I'm full of benefits that are only temporary. I can meet the nicest guy in the world and after I sleep with him, I'm not worth any effort."

"Well those guys aren't worth your time," replies Eli meaningfully.

Clare bursts into laughter and she has tears running down her face. Eli is confused and doesn't know what to do. Clare falls off the bed and into the ground, still laughing and mumbling words to herself.

"Like you?" laughs Clare hysterically, some disappointment in her voice.

Eli realizes where he went wrong and he doesn't understand why she's laughing. Does she find him to be a joke? But after thinking it for a while, Eli thinks that he is a joke. He stares at Clare and he smiles because he has to; because it's Clare after all.

"Come here," beckons Eli.

Clare nears him and Eli holds her into his arms, squeezing her warmly and tightly.

"I'm in love with you."

"Stop lying...no! You don't get to - you're so unfair," says Clare, pulling away from him. "Fuck you."

"What?"

"Eli, you don't get it. You can't hate me one second and say you love me the next, not when I loved you since... That's not okay and you're just...you're so selfish," she says brokenly, heading towards the door. "You wanted me to stay away from you, but it should have been the other way around all this time."

* * *

It was after prom.

Clare didn't go. Nobody asked her and she didn't want to be asked.

Eli went with Imogen but he couldn't stop thinking about Clare the entire time. Prom night was supposed to be special. Eli and Imogen were going to go to her house and spend the night together but Eli, for some inconceivable reason, said he didn't feel good. Imogen, understanding this, said that it was okay with her if he wanted to go home and be alone.

But when Eli got home, he called Clare to come over. Eli convinced himself that he invited her out of pity because she was at home with her parents.

It was past midnight when Clare snuck out of her house and went to Eli's.

They watched a movie in his room and Eli told Clare that prom wasn't too great. Clare said she didn't care and asked him if Imogen looked pretty that night. Eli smiled but didn't give her an answer.

It was after the movie finished that they both began talking about graduation and college. Eli said he was going to the university nearby and Clare was going out of state.

"17 years with my parents and now I'm going to be free," Clare said, all smiles.

"Just like you always wanted," Eli said, annoyance in his voice.

"What's wrong?" Clare asked, noticing his strange behavior.

"I'm going to miss you, fuzzball," Eli sighed. "I don't want to lose you."

There was this look of vulnerability on his face. Clare studied his features and fell deeper in love with everything about pursed lips, green eyes, freckled nose and furrowed brows. Everything was beautiful and she wanted to slam her face against his out of anger because she wanted to be intimately close to him. But she kept pushing those thoughts far away into the back of her mind.

Just not far enough.

"I love you, you know?"

"I do too," Eli said, looking at the television.

"No, Eli," Clare said, scooting closer to him and cupping his face. "I _love_ you."

"Um," Eli said, closing his eyes.

"The only guys I've ever kissed are you and Jake," Clare said. "But you were my first."

"I don't understand."

Clare nodded her head, trying to think of other ways to keep the conversation going but there was something about the moment that scared her. She was opening up to him and it felt good. She could sense the satisfaction of being free closer. She was touching it with the tip of her fingers and was wishing that after letting Eli know everything she kept bottled inside for years, she would be able to move on.

"Do you think we're going to see each other often?"

"I hope so," Eli said, ignoring what she confessed earlier.

He wasn't looking at her and Clare was afraid she screwed it all up already. His eyes were going any direction besides herself.

"Eli, do you think I'm pretty?" Clare abruptly asked.

There was something scary about her behavior. She was acting too confused and curious.

"I think you're the prettiest girl in the entire world," Eli said out of impulse, finally looking into her eyes.

"No," Clare laughed, shaking her head. "That title belongs to Imogen."

Eli shook his head and fidgeted with his fingers. There was silence and tension.

Clare doesn't remember why she said this but she did and it changed everything.

"Be my first again," Clare said.

It was then that Clare leaned forward and kissed him. It felt wonderful and fulfilling. She stood up and grabbed his hand. Eli didn't say a word but continued kissing her.

"I'm sorry," Clare said, crying as she kissed him because she was thinking of Imogen when she held him but Eli forgot about Imogen. All he could think about was Clare so when she apologized, he didn't realize what she meant.

She then placed her hand on his chest, waist, legs and so on. Eli held her left hand the entire time, squeezing it every minute. He didn't speak for a while but when he did, he said to Clare, "This is just like what I thought it would be."

This only encouraged Clare.

His touch was never dreamt of - not in the way he was making her feel in that moment. Each time Clare closed her eyes, she saw bright yellow colors that reminded her of the sun.

And every time Eli looked into her eyes, he saw blue warmth. She was a beautiful vision of patience and heartbreak.

But when they woke up the next day and Clare was lying naked in Eli's arms, he gasped and barely realized what happened.

"Get off me," he said, fear in his voice.

Clare thought he regretted it and Eli was sure that he did. But, without realizing it in such a moment, he didn't. The thought of Imogen steered him into the direction he felt that he was _supposed_ to react to.

After Clare got dressed, she left his room, his house and life for the next 2 years.

When she returned home, she went to sleep. It wasn't until a week later, at their graduation, that she cried.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Sorry for the late update! School and my life have been hectic. I hope this makes up for it. I think the next chapter will be the last. **

**Thank you for the reviews. I don't want to pressure any of you to review. To be honest, I write this for myself. It helps me release my emotions. Your support is just a great plus.**

**Btw, this is now in PRESENT tense. The memories are done.**

* * *

Chapter 7

"Almost blue  
Almost doing things we used to do"

― Chet Baker, "Almost Blue"

It's five in the afternoon and her room is dark. The curtains are closed and she has her head hanging upside down. Someone knocks on her door but she doesn't hear it. Maybe it's because of all the blood rushing to her ears.

"Clare!"

"Come in,"

Her mother enters and asks her to sit up straight.

"We need to talk," her mother says. "Come downstairs."

Clare isn't sure what this means but decides to obey. Her mother is calm, stiff. It's unusual yet nice for a change.

When Clare reaches the kitchen, her father is sitting near the dinner table and her mother takes a seat next to him. There's a chair facing them and Clare begins to feel nervous. She's wondering what she did wrong.

"Sit, please," her father says softly.

For a few minutes, everything is quiet. It's becomes annoying. So Clare begins to question why she's there. Her parents start off with saying that the past years have been hard for them. Helen gives a speech about how much she cherishes her religious values. Randall continues that discussion to how much he cares for the family and how it would be necessary to sacrifice anything for all of them.

They're being diplomatic and that alone is what scares Clare. It's abnormal for them to be normal.

"Get to the point," Clare interrupts.

"We're getting a divorce," her mother says.

"Okay," Clare replies indifferently.

"You're taking this awfully well," her father says.

"Yeah, well, it's about time."

Her mother glares at her. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I'm just surprised that it took you both so long."

"You need to be careful with you say because you don't understand anything," her father says.

Clare doesn't say anything for a moment but her anger rises with silence. Out of nowhere, she stands up and begins to walk in circles.

"You two are so selfish." says Clare, her lip trembling. "For 18 years, you two have hated each other and now you decide that it's enough. For 18 years, I've been the one suffering. I've been the one you both have been taking your anger out on. Helen, you slap me and criticize me when you wish you could be doing that to Randall. And you, Randall, I'm done keeping your secrets. I'm sick of seeing you walk in at four in the morning with beer on your breath. I'm sick of spotting you in town with different women each time. That's the only reason why you've ever come to my defense. '_Don't tell your mother about this_.' '_That's my girl_.' All this time, you both knew that the divorce was right. The only fucking thing that stopped you both was the religion you both violate already. But- and yet, all this time, you should have thought about me. I'm your fucking daughter! I don't exist!"

"Clare," her mother croaks.

"You should go take a nap and rest." her father says.

"I want to sleep forever," Clare mumbles. "You both make me want to kill myself."

"You're being crazy right now."

"I'm leaving." Clare says. "I came back to visit someone...not for you guys. But it's pointless now. This town is hell. I'm never coming back."

She ran up to her room and began to pack. Her mother followed her watched Clare frantically gather her things.

"You can't leave. You don't have any money."

"Don't tell me what to do," Clare muttered.

"Clare! You're not leaving this house!" Helen ran behind her and grabbed Randall. "Do something! We can't let her go!"

"She needs space."

"No! She needs us! She's my baby, my dau-"

They were both paused by the sound of a car engine. When they both looked out the window, she was gone.

* * *

"Your coffee is getting cold."

"Huh?"

"I said that your coffee is getting cold."

He finally looks up at her. She has brown hair and green eyes. Her hair isn't curly, and her eyes aren't blue.

"Oh, sorry - just tired."

"You've been weird. Did I do something wrong?"

"No, no. Don't blame yourself."

"Well," she paused. "Is something going on?"

"Trust me when I say it's nothing," Eli said.

The girl looked worried and Eli felt bad.

"You're 10 dollars short; you either clean the dishes or we call the cops," a waitress yelled.

"Whoa, what's going over there?" the girl asked.

Eli turned around and saw the waitress grabbing a woman by the arm. The woman was Clare.

"What the hell," Eli said.

He walked over to the counter and saw Clare but she was looking at the floor. She seemed embarrassed and awfully miserable. Eli felt her pain and he was cringing that she had to be in this situation.

"I know her," Eli interrupted the waitress and - who seemed to be - the manager.

"Are you paying for her bill?" the man asked.

"Yeah, of course," Eli replied, glancing at Clare who was now looking at him.

Clare stood still and didn't leave her spot. She then looked up and sighed.

"Thanks. I left my money a-at home. I'll pay you back,"

"Don't worry about it." Eli said, handing money to the waitress.

"Hi! I'm Jane," a girl popped from behind and reached over to shake Clare's hand.

"Hello, I'm Clare."

"Are you Eli's friend or something?"

"I knew him in my childhood."

Eli felt angry and disappointed that Clare brushed him off as a simple memory.

"Oh, that's so cool! I'm his girlfriend," she smiled.

"Girlfriend?" Clare echoed amusingly.

_"She's not my girlfriend...she's a friend."_

Eli shot Clare an apologetic look and turned to Jane, "I should drop you home. I have work later on."

Jane smiled at Clare and Eli, "Okay. Nice meeting you, Clare."

"Goodbye."

Clare watched them leave in synchronized steps. They looked perfect together. And, for once, she felt happy for Eli.

She left the diner and got inside her car. She had been sleeping there for the past two days. She took a shower in a community pool and was low on gas to get back to her college. She forgot her wallet in the midst of packing and was planning to sneak into her house the next day because her mother always went out on Fridays. She was sure her father probably left the house by now.

Clare drove to the park and turned on the radio. She pulled out a book and read for a few hours - falling asleep in between. She then heard tapping on her window and saw that it was Eli.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I was reading but I was currently napping."

"In the park at 8 in the night?"

"Well, what are you doing here?"

"I'm coming back from work and I always take this route as a shortcut."

"I see," Clare replied.

"You should get going, it gets really cold."

"I'll leave when I want to."

"Alright then," Eli said, he began to walk away but then turned back.

He seemed hesitant about what he had to see and this was nice for a change. Eli always seemed confident and indifferent. Clare felt his interest and she was trying to convince herself that she didn't like it.

"Hey, about today...Jane isn't my girlfriend. She's really jealous and said that because she wants to be in a relationship but I made it clear before that I don't. I don't want you to think that I lied to you a couple days ago...I was being honest the entire time."

"You can have 100 girlfriends and you don't have to explain anything to me, Eli. I'm happy for you. She seems nice and you're being an idiot if you keep leading her on."

"Since when are we criticizing my love life?"

"Fair point...sorry."

"I thought you left," Eli said worriedly. "I thought that you were gone for good."

"I have to stay for two more days. I need to get my things together."

"Two more days, huh?" said Eli somberly. "Can I sit inside?"

Clare opened the passenger door and Eli entered. She turned on the radio and a familiar song began to play.

"Dead Hand," Eli laughed. "I haven't heard this song since that time you came to my house to work on homework."

Clare gave a puzzled look and Eli continued to explain.

"You kept bugging me about how hard Perino's class was. You were stressing out. Then we talked about who we liked in school - stupid crushes, of course. And then..."

"We kissed," Clare said pragmatically.

"You know, even though I remember almost every detail about that day, I can't remember that moment. It's like blocked out of my memory."

"I'm really not surprised," Clare chuckled. "I remember it, Eli. Too well."

"Can you - this may sound weird but can you describe it to me?"

Clare turned off the radio and she sighed. She slumped in her seat and closed her eyes.

"You said you wanted to kiss me because I was your best friend. I was shocked and you told me it was okay if I didn't want to but I did, so I kissed you. And I, being a klutz, didn't know what I was doing so you showed me and afterwards you said that we could just forget about it."

"Forget about it?"

"I guess you really meant it."

"I'm sorry." Eli said and slid his hand next to Clare's. "I thought about what you said - fuck, that's all I've been thinking about and I hurt you."

"It's fine. It's in the past."

"No, Clare. I meant everything I said...it sucks when you realize things when you fuck up," he took a deep breath.

"I don't want to hear this shit," Clare replied.

"Why not?"

"Because it isn't fair to me."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing. It's fine. That's life, okay? I'll move on and find a guy who loves me and maybe, just maybe, we can be friends someday."

"It actually hurts hearing that,"

"Hearing what?"

"That you'll find another guy who loves you because..." Eli took a deep breath and put a hand over his head. "I was an idiot who was afraid that I would lose you so I didn't want to love you but I did and what I feared came true. And you know me - I always want to be the one who's right so I tried to convince myself that you meant nothing to me."

"What about Jane? She's still here."

"All I've thinking about is breaking things off with her."

"Shut up," Clare said sadly.

"Clare-"

"I hate you," She began to cry. "You always make my life so hard and I'm done being sad, Eli. I'm already alone enough and I just don't want to be here with you, I want to go far away and find new people."

"You have me. You always had me, Clare. And your parents-"

"My parents hate me. You never knew, did you? You never understood why I would come to school with my cheeks red. Why I always went to your house. Why the only reason I came back here was for you. I'm living in my car right now because I can't be around them."

Eli leaned over and grabbed her, holding her and kissing her forehead.

"Stay with me tonight. I want you to be safe."

"I don't trust myself, Eli."

"Neither do I but I'm not going anywhere."


	8. Chapter 8

**The end. Thank you.**

* * *

Chapter 8

"She's a jar with a heavy lid,"

― Wilco, "She's a Jar"

Clare follows Eli's car into a different building. It's not his house but instead an apartment complex.

When Eli gets out of his car and taps Clare's window to lead her out, she asks where they are. Eli says it's his apartment that he barely moved into. Clare is comforted by the idea that she won't have to see his parents anymore.

When she enters the apartment, she sees that it's small but not hopeless. Clare stands near the doors because a sense of awkwardness begins to settle in.

"You want something to drink?" Eli yells from his kitchen.

Clare denies the gesture but Eli stills walks out with a bottle of water for her.

"I don't cook and I'm about to order take-out, do you want something?"

Clare shakes her head and Eli feels frustrated. He knows she's uncomfortable and he wishes that this weren't the situation.

"Clare, please sit."

"I'm fine standing."

Eli sighs and walks over to her, but before there is proximity, Clare asks to use the bathroom. Eli tells her where it is and she leaves. There is a knock on the door and when Eli opens it, he finds Jane there smiling. Before he knows it, she jumps into his arms and kisses his cheek.

"Jane, stop." Eli says.

"What? Why?"

"I have a friend here," Eli explains.

Jane walks in, "Where is she? More importantly, why is she here?"

"She's in the bathroom. She needs a place to stay - you met her at the diner earlier today."

"So do you always invite 'old friends' to stay?"

"She used to be my best friend."

"Well I wanted to sleepover tonight so I'm sure there's no problem, right?"

There's a pause defining the moment. Jane intently stares at Eli and he has a look of guilt on his face.

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not?" Jane asks confusedly.

"She needs me right now."

"You're being so irrational right now, Eli. What am I to you?"

"Jane," Eli softly begins, "We're not...we don't have something serious between us."

The bathroom door opens and Eli is too focused on his emotions to turn around.

"Eli," Clare says from behind. "Don't treat her like that. I can leave."

Eli is puzzled by Clare's statement and Jane seems pleased.

"There's a hotel down the street," Jane says.

"No, no, she's staying. You don't get a say in this," Eli sternly says. "I'm sorry, Jane."

Jane seems more angry than upset and leaves quickly. Clare gathers her stuff and Eli tries to stop her.

"What are you doing?"

"You're still the same jerk," Clare huffs.

"Why does this bother you so much?"

"Because you're treating her the same way you treated me!" Clare says. "Because you're always jumping to the next person once you get bored!"

"Because I'm always fighting for the person I love," Eli says. grabbing her hand. "I loved Imogen but I always loved and still love you, Clare."

Eli's voice is shaking and he holds onto her. He's mumbling words of fear into her ear and Clare is trembling because what he's saying sounds like bullshit yet she can feel his emotions.

Eli pulls away and holds her hand, staring into her eyes for a moment until he pulls her to sit next to him on the couch.

"Can we not argue for tonight?"

Clare nods and rests her head on his shoulder. When she looks up, she sees a cluster of eyelashes blinking at her. She feels warms lips resting on her cheek. Then slowly, he strokes her arm and says, "For once, for once."

Clare talks to Eli and he listens to every word with remorse because what is could have been a memory by now. She's lonely and sad. Having Eli hold her is comfort and she wants to be happy right now because thinking about the past couple of days makes her want to disappear.

Clare grabs his hand and asks where his bedroom is. Eli points to the direction.

"Let's go," Clare says.

"What?"

"Let's sleep,"

"Are you-"

"Sleep," Clare repeats.

When they reach his bed, Clare takes off her clothes and asks Eli to make her happy because she feels empty. Eli feels empty when she says this because for the first time, her pain is his pain.

When he touches her, she says that she's dreaming and that life is a hallucination meant to test the gullibility of others. Eli chuckles and says that he's not gullible and that everything is real.

* * *

The sun shines through his window. His hand wraps around her waist and she smells like his bed. In his arms, she's new. His thoughts are trained to push her off of him and believe that the hesitation he feels is rejection. But she stirs a bit and the movement scares him. If she leaves, he'll be hopeless.

So he thinks for a while and stares at her meanwhile. There's freighting certainty and Eli wants to do more than hold her in his arms.

She wakes up and her face is blank.

"You're still here?"

She's beautiful and confused, forever and always.

"I wouldn't leave you," He says. "You fell asleep quickly."

"Oh," she says, blinking her eyes at him. "I should probably get my stuff and leave."

He tightens his grip on her and he looks down at her, vulnerability on his expression.

She nods as a reply to stay a bit longer. When a couple of minutes pass she softly says, "You'll get bored with me and I'll be scared to try to make things work."

Eli pats her back and for a while he doesn't say or do anything. Clare believes that he didn't hear her and she's too afraid to repeat herself.

"And we'll fight sometimes and it'll be hard for me to apologize because I might be the one at fault but...I love you and I want to do anything to be with you," he nervously says.

"You really love me?"

"The only way I can prove it to you is if you give me a chance."

She hugs him. He cups her face and kisses her.

"Remember how we met?" he asks, feigning curiosity.

"Yes," she says because she never forgot anything when it came to him. Nothing.

"I tripped you on purpose," Eli smirked. "I wanted to talk to you but I didn't know how so I hurt you."

Clare burst into fits of laughter. Eli smiles and breathes into her neck. He kisses every area of skin his lips find. Clare rubs circles on his palm and she stops for a moment to pull away from him and sit up. She grabs Eli's hand and gives a pleading look begging for honesty and consideration - two things which rarely go together.

"Are you going to hurt me again?" she asks.

"Never," Eli says, pulling her down.

The warmth in his voice says it all. And she's unsure, yet fearless. Eli holds her and he sings to her - a song that was forgotten for years until now. She closes her eyes for a while but when she opens them, he's still there, smiling at her.

She's hoping that this is eternal.

One way or another, it is.


End file.
